Watch out David Ogilvy. There’s a new advertising tycoon in town and he ain’t from Madison Avenue. In fact, he’s not even from this country. Pack your parka and take a little twelve hour flight three-thousand miles to the North and you’ll find Jolly old Saint Nick running perhaps the most efficient and effective advertising agency on planet earth—bar none.

        In fact, the Santa Claus brand is so big that other companies freely use his likeness to sell their products without fear of legal repercussions. You’ll find his image on everything from lunch boxes to sports cars to soft drinks to computer screens. And just how big is the Santa Claus brand? Well it’s more global than Nike. It’s more respected than Apple. If it weren’t for him, Coca-cola would still be a medicine. Amazon might take two days to ship—yet he is able to deliver in one night. It’s truly remarkable how this fat little elf has gone. While other brands.....

Local elf and pathologist, Dek, was working late Saturday night while researching the effects of Holly on gingerbread houses when tragedy struck. After reaching into a high cupboard, a partially unsealed container of formaldehyde came crashing down onto the poor elf’s face, hitting him directly in the eyes and leaving him visually impaired. He was rushed immediately to the nearest cleaning station where he washed out his pupils emphatically. Fortunately, he was already at a hospital, so he was able to the get the best medical treatment available this side of the Artic Circle. It has been several days now since the incident and Mr. Dek is at home recovering in almost completely darkness, while his wife Holly brings him gingerbread cookies and new seasons of the Twilight Zone....

Please Turn to Pg. 9, Col. 2

Please Turn to Pg. 10, Col. 3

Accommodating Elf Diets In The Workplace

“It’s not fair,” says one local elf, “what was once a nice relaxing hour away from the grind has become 45 minutes of indecision based on dietary preferences. It’s the nightmare that returns every day!” Such is the aroma surrounding companies who provide employee lunch. In these circles, religion and politics are all fair game for conversation. But bring up who’s turn it is to pick the restaurant, and the fighting begins.

 “I’ve been working here for five years,” says Krista Kringle. “guess how many times I’ve picked the restaurant? I’m a simple gal with simple tastes. A can of Spaghetti-O’s and microwave pizza and I’m fine?”

 Still others feel little sympathy for picky eaters. “If gluten free is your jam, fine, just don’t lecture me about how cheese is going to back up my bowels. I just wanna eat, you know?

 It seems that those who are in “need” of special accommodations dominate work lunches all over the Pole. “I’m crackin the wallet for every one of these lunches and I haven’t chosen a spot yet. No gluten, nasty texture, perpetual gas or the meat sweats, it’s not worth the fight!” says local business owner Pepper Mintstix. With more “selective diet” elves entering the workforce, it seems that work lunches are going to continue. If so, get happy cause ain’t nobody getting fat!